Reclaiming

Before tonight got rough and heavy and all those other adjectives I so often use to me "ick," I was driving home from the grocery store and writing a soaked-in-gratitude blog post for this day.

I know that the wording and flow of it are gone now, much like my patience, energy, and ability to find more reserves of those depleted emotional fossil fuels are pretty much gone for the day.

Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.

So this morning, I was once again appreciating my desire for a car, someday, with a zippy strong engine.  No little four cylinder thing, no.  I want to drive with some power so I can feel the engine grip the road as I accelerate onto the freeway.  Oh, it feels so good even just switching from the Corolla to the van.  Someday, I'm gonna drive powerfully.  I remember feeling this way when I was getting ready to buy my first car in college.  But practicality, price, gas mileage all took precedence over muscle.  Someday, probably far away.  I'll be like "The Little Old Lady from Pasadena."

Side note, a few weeks ago, I walked past a restaurant with live music.  The band was playing oldies-- and one in particular when I walked by.  I remember thinking "Oh wow!  I really like that song and I always forget about it.  I should go download it when I get home."  Haven't been able to remember the song since then.  Bummer.  However, I really appreciate that a band was still bothering to learn it because it was a  more obscure song.  Something with "cupid" in the lyrics... which really narrows down the songs it could be from 1950-1970,

At the grocery store, I stood in line admiring the way I put my purchases on the conveyor belt.  I try to be mindful of the cashier and how they have to bag the groceries, so I do what I can to put up groceries to make that easier for them.  Today it seemed like I nailed it and I watched with appreciation of the cashier's efficiency and fluid movement as he scanned and bagged my items.  It's one of those little things he may not have even noticed, but I just hope it made his day a little easier, let him think a little less so he could day dream a little more.  Or maybe so he could just feel the flow of his work and appreciate that fluidity in himself.

I stopped watching him bag my groceries when a small reunion took place behind me in line.  A young woman and her new husband were in town visiting from Connecticut.  She spotted a high school classmate in the next line and they exchanged details of their lives.  She works for Sikorsky ("They make helicopters," she explained just in case) now and her classmate works for a mortgage firm.  I felt this rush of hometown pride in these two who help people touch the sky and work toward better lives in new homes.  How wonderful to hear them doing much with their lives and so early.

Then I was walking out with a loaded cart, grateful my back wasn't in agony and overwhelmed with gratitude that I could provide a full cart of groceries for my family.  I'm very behind with work right now and it's stressful.  But it's a combination of a necessary evil as I work to get maternity leave plans in place and the fact that my sister was visiting from out of town for the first two weeks of the year.  I had to prioritize her and also getting my own kids settled into school routines because family and people matter most.  But now I'm crazy behind and it's weighing on me.  That stress diminished  for a few moments when I powered up my legs to push the cart up the incline to my car.  Each spark of muscle fiber firing to remind me that I'm so blessed to have work that matters to me, work that allows me to provide food and medical care to my family.  Blessed to be able to drive to the store and load this food into my car instead of hauling it onto a bus or subway.


Then singing in the car on the way home.  That was good too.  Windows down in the heat to let it wash over my skin. Then I came home, anticipating a movie night with the fam... and from there things kind of fell apart.  But until that point, it was alright.  And someday maybe it'll be alright a little more of the time. That's my prayer.  That and grace and peace.  Someone once told me I was the most gracious person ever.  I wasn't sure exactly what he meant and it was bad timing to ask, but it was one of those compliments that sticks with you, you know?  Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.