"Everything is better when we stick together"

"Ugh mommy can you get in the way of the sun!"

She overestimated me. 

Kolendy

I don't know much of the translation of these words, but I do like singing sloppily through them.  

The Imp

And this kid... oh my heavens.

Holy Family, Batman

Happy Feast of the Holy Family.

Aren't you glad you have a family?  Because no matter how kinda-crazy they are, they're amazing.  We don't get together often, but it's so good when we do.  Mos Def is, because right now he's telling me about how his Umi said "Shine your light on the world, Shine your light for the world to say." And isn't it great how family members tell us what we need to hear.  Why am I not dancing.  Oh wait, I am. "Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself.  Passion takes over me."  Mmmmosdef. 

Today was a day of being highly attuned.  

At Mass, the flute rendition of the Coventry Carol was especially pretty, and then she seamlessly led into another song, which I tried to make a point of remembering because it was so nice the way they flowed into each other.  Guess who forgot it now.  Don't know the Coventry Carol?  Listen to it:

In the process of caring for the children at Grandma's house, I had extra moments to pause and savor the little details of that place.  I didn't photograph them all.  Impossible.  The crocheted mushroom that makes shakey sounds, the decoupage in the yellow bedroom, the mirror in front of another mirror, the blue velvet design on the wallpaper, the sacred bottle of Chanel No. 5. that was the last one received, the card that says "To My Loving Wife" and inside, "Al."  There is so much in her wonderful life.  I'm so glad so many people know how awesome she is. 

So here are some details in this house full of mischief, details, three generations of kids eating on the steps because there's no room at the tables.  Rooms with windows on the doors.  All the details and pasts stacked on pasts.  I love the honesty and unfanciness of it all:

Pride in the Navy.  

This sink.  

Curtains that could just as easily be found in the window of an 1880s Black Hills saloon, but that seem perfectly wholesome where they are.

And three generations of guys playing football.  When Karlin Hall closed and we lost the parking lot down the street, the street itself had to be the field.  After the city condemned and knocked down the house next door, a new field opened up.  And the extra wide stairs my brothers built made perfect bleachers for the cheering section.  

 I love D. cheezin' in this picture.  He's a good guy. My favorite play was all of the plays that started off "MADISON!!" 

I'm proud of my cousins and the men and fathers they are becoming.  I will always look up to Larry.  

Then we had to leave early (company arrived at our house early!!), but because of that I got to catch an especially nice sunset.  This picture in no way comes close.  The top of the sky was much darker and the bottom by the church steeple was much more orange.  It had some, but not all, of the drama of a Frederic Church painting.  And the beauty of that sky with the crumbled buildings and empty lots and the hopefulness of the church steeple... it was a striking combination of light and texture and meaning.  Made me wish I had my good camera.  And then on the short walk to our car, the sky changed three times and each was striking in its own way.

There's more I want to write about the conversations I had today, but they're not for yelling into your void, internet.  So instead, can we paint the picture of how I'm writing this entry?  

I'm in an ambiently lit room with a good playlist going on the speaker system I hooked up in the corner.  I'm sippin on some Larceny small batch bourbon.  I'm rocking my grey striped satin pajamas.  I'm propped up on a glut of pillows.  My face is scrubbed ruddy and looking just like Helen of Troy.  

Except that I'm drinking out of  a tea cup because I was too lazy to dirty another dish.  And I originally put my pajama shirt on backwards and didn't notice until pretty far past the point where a thinking person should have noticed.  And while my face is shining late-night gorgeous like the sun, inside of it is my bite splint.  So when I say I look super sexy, it sounds more like "I look shhhluuooper slhexchy" And then I probably drool on myself.  I'll drink to that!

Ah!  Kitka just came on the playlist!  This is not them, but this is the song they were singing.  Gosh, I long to be in a choir that sings these songs.  They're in my slavic bones.  Make sure you listen to the last minute.  

And the next song is "Orange Sky" by Alexi Murdoch.  And some nights I wish I could just stay awake and teleport everywhere I want to be. 

It Grows

This isn't a poem, but I have to compose this way tonight.

The list of things I want to do and places I want to visit grows longer.

Except now it feels less wishful and more do-full.

There is light starting to creep in where the wall meets the floor,
Under the doorways up ahead.
I see it.

There's this feeling of becoming,
By coming closer to what I'm meant for.

It's a hazy dream image,
But I can see it
through these kaleidoscope lenses.

Like the fulfillment of a promise
of a destiny
like the end of a complicated snarl of gears and catches
that moves with Rube Goldberg precision

and little marble me
will drop right into your hand.

Inspired by Students

The bowlers who have been hanging out in my room after school got me itchy for some ten-pin.

I'm pretty terrible at the sport, but absolutely cannot contain my post throw dancing and flailing, which is fun for me and probably embarrassing or amusing for other people who are with me.

When can we go again!?!

Exploded shoe!  Not pictured:  my too-big bell bottoms that got in the way of a few shots.
Next time, no pants.

Christmas in Images

Dad explaining the branches of his tree.

Checking to see if there was enough light from the tree to turn off the flash.  Semi-accidental selfie.  Ha.

Jones "Take a picture of my Octo-nauts!"

Emilia right before she realized she did get those Frozen dolls she wanted. 

Adventure baby apparently hates having her picture taken.  When photo-mama came around with the camera, she'd throw her hands in front of her face and yell "Nooooooo! Mama, Nooooo!"

The only picture with all three kids, sort of.

I like the way this portrait of Jones turned out, even though he looks super serious.

Me because wine and the ribbon that always ends up in my hair on Christmas Eve and a tarnished mirror and red lipstick and dark eyes and this is what is bound to happen.  Where's the Victrola?

The manger dad built a few years ago, with OCD intensity.  Let the goats and dinosaurs worship.

Ewe Log

I make the lamb cake each Easter.  No one else in the family does it anymore, which motivates me.   And dad still insists on buying a lamb cake from a bakery each Easter.  And I bring mine to his house and they face off.  I like to think mine wins.

So last Easter, we were joking about what else I could use the lamb mold for.  And thus, today's Christmas pun was born.  Who needs a yule log when you can have a ewe log.

It began as a lamb.  I'm still going strong with my record of zero lamb ears lost-- and zero toothpicks used for stabilizers, because we keep it real.  This lamb did stick a little on the body, but it was still structurally sound. 

But I made some fudge two days ago and shaved it with a veggie peeler to make strips of bark.  then I frosted the lamb to look as log-like as possible.  The ends even had the tree rings in the frosting.  And there you have it.  Lamb cake to ewe log.   Then we trucked over to my brothers to feed it to everyone. 

This has been an odd Christmas.  But hey, puns.  And cake.  So there's always that.

My Favorite Part of a Carol

Which dad knows but almost always stops after the second verse.  It's okay.  It's nice just to get to look at the lyrics.

Gifts on Christmas Eve

I wanted to go through these shoddy cell phone images and edit them a little and post better versions, but part of me still feels torn about photo editing and whether it is cheating.  Best argument against that is that it's good if you can more accurately represent what was in front of your eyes and the camera can't always capture the realness of reality.  That sounds like psychobabble.  Sorry.

So Emilia and I had to take to the park because it was nearly sixty degrees and some girls just have to run when it's like that.  She challenged me to a two mile foot race when we were getting our shoes on.  We modified that to a quarter mile once we got to the park and we ended in a fairly even tie.  We leaf-stomped, skipped, ran, walked, clung to railings and looked over bridges, ran into dad, and Ralph, and dad and Ralph.  We tried to spook someone.  We saw three deer. 

These stones mean, for me, the footfalls of people who walked in the park for a hundred years before me.  I see Victorian lace up boots and hear the swish of petticoats.  Smell the sun-warm wool of a young man's suit.

Life on the cold stone.

And I didn't look very hard on our walk, but I didn't find a four leafed clover and was disappointed.

The quarry marks on the stone next to the graffito of some kid carving their name.  We humans and the need to leave our mark.  It makes us beautiful and sad.  I'm glad to be an audience to notice the chisel and the carving.  I see your mark, fellow humans.  I ran my fingers over your work. 

Ah this one would benefit from editing.  There was a large tree beyond this.  It'll probably fall this winter if we have a heavy snow or an early spring ice storm.  It may obliterate the bridge we were on.  These bits of wood look like they came from where a large bough came down recently.  The bough was hauled away, but the mess remained.

Textures.  You know how I feel about dem textures. 

We had a lovely conversation about this stretch of moss, littered with what could be flowers or leaves or snow flakes.  Some held drops of water, but my lowly mobile camera couldn't catch it all.  What a pretty, missable thing.  And she and I didn't miss a moment of its beauty.  This is when I really feel like a good mom.

The curl!

And then the clouds parted and we saw blue skies!  Shortly after, a few rays of sun!

And deeper into the woods, we examined some fallen trees.  The curls of bark get me every time.

And acorn hats upturned.  

These were my gifts this Christmas Eve.

Merry, part one

"This is perfect.  All we need is a magnesium fire!" - my dad's assessment of Christmas

Added Bonus

And Z called me his idea girl!  And got me aside so he could talk and run his newest ideas by me (involving 3-D printing) and get input because I'm his idea girl.  And that is one heck of a compliment.  And he told me to start writing down more of my ideas, which is funny because I just did that this morning.  But I said most of my best ideas lately are about crazy future and super hero origin stories.  He laughed, but did not ask to hear any of the stories.  That's okay.
xoxoxo
IG

In My Element

The reality of being on Christmas break did not set in until this morning when no alarms went off, unless you count children.  Then I got to indulge in finishing Carter Beats the Devil -- between staying up stupid late to read, reading this morning over breakfast, and reading after lunch while the kids were sleeping.  Holy heck that is a fine book indeed!  I can't decide if I like that better than Kavalier and Clay.  This one wraps up more cleanly and enjoyably, but I like the very real painfulness of K and C because it feels authentic and like you can't breathe right for the last fifty or hundred pages of it.  There are more haunting images in K and C, but... well, I liked them both a lot and want to recommend them to people, but it takes the right kind of person to appreciate them, so I will be judicious with those recommendations.  Now what to read next?!?!?? 

Oh, and I left breakfast and reading because, in the process of cutting an apple this morning, I had three good ideas at once and had to write them all down or I'd lose them.  Caught two of the three, which is pretty good.  

And we ran errands and bought food to share with guests today!  And then two families with two kids each came over and played all afternoon!  We had a lovely tea party with fancy tea cups and saucers.  And it was so great to say, "Hey, just stay for dinner!  It's no problem!" and throw something good and healthy together and eat at the table and use the festive paper plates I bought and didn't use yesterday. 

Speaking of yesterday... I might have to murder this cat if she doesn't stop sneezing on me and lying on the keyboard... anyway, yesterday, we hosted three couples for dinner and busted out the good dishes.  .  I made breads (Jones was very excited and kept asking for more "home made bread" very clearly).  We averted a meat disaster successfully.  They liked dessert.  There was so much laughter and banter and goodness.  I liked watching the empty bottles collect on the table and the people sit back and stretch their full bellies.  

It was lovely to have the house filled with company two days in a row, to feed everyone and bring tea around, to hold other people's kids and smell new babies.  And more visiting tomorrow morning, which will probably bleed into feeding everyone lunch, which is beautiful.  

And tomorrow morning I'll probably make that baked oatmeal, but tweak up that recipe and ooooh whip up a caramelized pear sauce to top it off.  Yes!  With that good Greek yogurt from Mustard Seed.  Who am I kidding?  I fully enjoy prepping all this food and then I eat three bites and feel like I'm going to explode.  Ya'll are going to have to come over and get fat or this is all going to to go waste.  

My brain is so unrestrained and undisciplined today.  I'm just allowing it to roam in all it's hyperactivity.  Probably also part of why I feel so in my element-- because I'm up to my elbows in fifteen different ideas and actions at any given moment today.  

AND today was bright happy sun and warmth outside (relative warmth for Clevecember), so we went out and chalked before lunch!  

And after everyone left and the dishes and children were clean, Emilia and I drew and I made my best Elsa yet and Emilia made her best Anna (with crazy hair because she was jumping on her bed, in case you can't tell)

A night scene where fairies and princesses played on the stars and snowflakes, my happy Christmas message, part of a table setting, which doesn't capture the beauty of the whole table, but I mainly just want to remember that using the wrapping paper as a table runner was a fine idea.

And this is just one day.  The first day.  And there are many more days of break to come, so more naps, more creativity, wrapping presents!!!!!! and visiting and fifteen kinds of other good times.  There is so much writing and studying I want to do, too.  Oh my peas, life is full of joys.

Mother of a Three Year Old Boy

As I washed my face, I saw the bruise on the side of my nose where he plowed into me last night and knocked my glasses into my eyes.

Then, after brushing and flossing and the whole routine, I eyed my bite splint warily because earlier today, I retrieved it from the floor behind the toilet.  Because Jonah likes playing in the sink and knocking stuff all over the place.  So I rinsed it off again and popped in in my mouth.

Off to a Good Start

"You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd but you can be happy if you've a mind to it"

Cinnamon rolls in the oven, records and dancing,  a date with some clay and then cleaning and planning for company and a run to shop. 

"We can make music to make the rafters ring.  Our hearts will play the music for the songs our lips will sing."

Beside the Bedside

So much goodness in one place. 

Just go ahead

I think we can officially rename today Beast Mode II, Return of the Beast.

She's fueled by red lipstick, bourbon, love, and hot water.  And a wicked good head scarf tonight (check the ol' Instagram).

Look out, ye faint of heart.

Now, let us rock mother lovahhhhhhhs!

EDIT: Oh snap.  We need to talk about how amazing this find is.  I clicked it because it had the John Lee Hooker part and that is just phenomenal, but then it's got the dialog dubbed over in Italian!  And that just ... frosting, baby.

Also, cooking goes slower when you keep stopping to dance.

Boom boom boom boom yeaaaaaaheeeeey!

Come on home, baby.  I love you.  I love ya.  Come on, Come on.  I love you.  Hold me.

Dem blues, baby.  Love dem blues.

Overfull

Today I am feeling an upwelling of emotion.  Not just one emotion-- more than I can count, and so many that don't have names. I know probably a little bit of this is hormones and I know probably a little bit of this is bone deep exhaustion... 

But then I walk at night and snowflakes hit my cheek. 

I look into a dark and window of a storefront and see this music stand glinting in the street lights and I want to cry because it is beautiful and poetic, and it is far away and right in front of me. 

I probably need some kind of cathartic experience to flush all this out of my system but the only thing I can think of is sleep.  No, the only thing I have available to me is sleep. I can actually think of a lot of solutions. That's the honest answer.

Beast mode

I gotta take a moment to celebrate myself and sing myself so pardon me in advance.

But dude some days I rock!  I pulled off what will be an incredible sneak and wrote some good riddles. I took care of people's emotional needs and logistical needs in a lot of ways today.  I wrote a pretty good rubric and self-evaluation guide. I taught nearly two full extra periods for no dollars just because reasons.  I came home and made five dozen Christmas cookies and five cookies shaped like snakes with stars for eyes, and now I'm gonna go mulch my perennials.  And I had a vague creative idea that won't win a damn thing but it's an idea I believe in and want to keep up long after Christmas.  I hope it is still good as the details flesh out.

Fueled by love (and one cup of coffee.  But maybe we'll make that two). This is how it's done!  And tonight I look forward to grading but probably quitting early on that so I can continue studying a very good, consoling book.  Beat that! 

Oh man, and seven hours later the day is still great.  We got the swing up on the porch and out of the weather, then Nora and I spent a good time out on the swing singing and cheering at, get this, looking out the "window," as Nori called it.  She essentially meant looking over the railing and it was worth cheering about.  So we turned on the magical porch lights lights, watched the dark start to creep in.  The air was electric today.  And alive.

And mulching awakened that obsessive gardener in me.  I have to write more about this later.  Too many electric sparks in my brain bzzzeet! bzzzeeeet!  bzzzzaow!

Then Jonah was full of funny lines today at dinner.

"Are we herbivores or omnivores?"

"Omnivores."

"YES! I'm a DINOSAUR!"

And so on.  Then we went to his Christmas pageant, which was pretty dang cute.  He was a lamb.  Jonah looks like a cool, confident kid when he's in the context of a bunch of three and four year olds.  He's so self-possessed.  And Nora was owning the audience.  

And I got bedding, so you know, the excitement of linens.  Aw yeah.

And then errands and phone calls and music and yoga in the livingroom, and it's near midnight and I'm still ON FIRE to write and do and open windows and and and.  I don't know what to wear tomorrow, so I probably should just stay awake.  

And my awesome door idea is probably not going to happen after all because I don't have any glue-gun ammo left and I'm not thinking I'm going to prioritize going to the store for that tomorrow.  But it's a cool idea and it involved, in part, gutting a CD player.  Maybe next year.  Ack.

Okayokayokayokayokayokayokay.

(EDIT:  The rubric was not as good as I had hoped; a borrowed glue gun allowed me to create some version of my original plan.  I will save the part that involved a gutted CD player for next year.)

The Universe Speaks

Maybe I should listen. 

Stage Three

But we can't find the tinsel and I think I'm too Polish to forego the tinsel.  And we need more opaque C7s. But otherwise it's almost done.  Rocking out to non holiday music of the sixties while we decorated made me think of how Joey D always says I was born in the wrong decade.  I think it's cooler to be out of time,  though.   Digging this music when it came out would be ordinary.  Digging it and teaching it to my kids now is awesome.  And it's SO good to dance to!  And I found another song for my funeral mix.  Take note: We'll Sing in the Sunshine by Gale Garnett. You'll probably cry though. 

Stage two

Love my C7s. Aw yeah. 

Stage one

Straight from dad's vegetable garden:

Music, soothe me.

Among other songs, this one tonight:

Don't mind the crappily edited lyrics.  Just listen.

(Side note, this would have been a cool song to play with the production so it has more surroundy effects when you listen to it on headphones or with a good speaker system.  There's a lot of potential.  I should write someone a strongly worded letter about this. )

Reminds me of this:

And then the logical progression:

Man, this song's still not old after all these years.

Shattered

This has been a hard last few days, last day for me.

She's grateful for headphones.  She's so very little and small and speck speck speck poof.

I'm getting lost in the curtains where it's soft and there's light.

Check, Check, Check

I can't think of any event I've been to where the sound system broke or cut out and the event got worse.  There may have been one or two, but mostly when the sound system cuts out, everything gets more real and more better.  er. er. er.

Ways in which the k-3 concert got better:

Each time it skipped and spazzed, 75 some odd kids were giggling, covering their mouths, and gasping, bug-eyed in merriment and surprise.

Once the teacher finally gave up and decided to forge ahead a'capella, everyone applauded.

After that, the kids sang louder and better and we could hear more individual voices.  It felt more like a real Christmas concert that way.

Everything's better unplugged.  Oh, and man I love reading the last names in the program.  Delicious Polishy goodness.

And that is my review of the children's concert tonight.

Collage

Father

He sent a light warm rain to kiss my hot cheeks on the walk home because He knows the rainbows speak to Noah but some of us speak a different language. What a beautiful Father to give us all we need.

When You are a Badass Gardener

When you are a badass gardener, you put on your galoshes in the near dark of evening, tramp out to the east garden, and dig up the best of your late leeks.  Then you squelch through the yard, put away the shovel, and shake those leeks to get as much dirt off as you can before you bring your earthy self back inside.  And you wave your leeks around casting leek spells in the blue black sky.  Showering loamy leek soil in your hair and into the collar of your coat. This is why my jackets always smell like wind and dust and this is why the fish was delicious.