Walking Pregnant

I

To dive into that puddle and 

drown upwards 

into the treetops reflected in it.

II

Abundance of acorns on a two mile trail:

slender red with brown hats

bearded brown old men

dark green, squatty ones with pale green stripes

and original recipe. 

III

A sprig of white flowers 

between my ear and headphone.

IV

Pockets gradually bulge:

First a fragrant, green-husked black walnut

Then a cluster of spiky white wildflowers.

A branch of red berries and lush green leaves.

Buckeye.  Two more walnuts.

Empty spaces in memory of the seed pods 

My tired thighs did not have the energy squat down and retrieve.  

V

I smile twice at the man in the orange shirt.

His teeth are joyful.

And nod approvingly at a 

very well trained

collie.  

VI 

So many fallen trees have left their marks on the pavement.

I want to walk barefoot over the ghost white hickory nuts

And the sharp shells that litter the path;

Relish them digging into the flesh of my feet.

Essentially

I'm no expert at essential oils, but I'm starting to dabble.  I want to keep track of the blends that really work well for me so I can find them again easily.

Earlier this week, I cured a headache by rubbing this on my temples and the back of my neck:
4 drops eucalpytus (globulus)
2 drops spearmint
2 drops peppermint

Today, I made two roller balls for C to help with focus and attention.

Blend one is supposed to help with motivation:
10 drops lime
10 drops sweet orange
10 drops frankincense carterii
10 drops black pepper
half a rollerball full of fractionated coconut oil

This one is pleasantly manly


Blend two is supposed to help with attention:
10 drops vetiver
10 drops lavender (spike)
10 drops cedarwood
5 drops frankincense
half a rollerball full of fractionated coconut oil.

Update

Awake since three with strong contractions, but not Holy Smokes! contractions.

I'm ready, Moe.  Let's do this.

PLUS, it's both National Coffee Day and Feast of the Archangels, and it's got a nice, easy to remember date:  9/29.

Come out, baby!

Maternity Leave

Moe's still hiding out in the ol' ute, accomplishing incredible feats of gymnastics and hiccuping.  But I'm not going in tomorrow because  I already worked one week past my due date and the day to day planning isn't serving anyone's best interests (although I did bust out a pretty swanky differentiated lesson over two days last week bestpracticeslikewoah.).  So there's a sub hired and I sent her off with calendars and binders to plan this weekend.  I'm not all caught up on my grading yet, but I'm getting there.  And in the mean time, I'm looking forward to spending the morning with just my current baby while the others are at school.  

I'm going to miss work, though.  Here's one sight I love--

 my window words reflecting back into my room during first, second, and third periods.  I like when the message I put out into the world comes back to me, unbackwards and readable.  It's like the world encouraging me me back, "Hey!  Let YOUR Heart's light shine, too, Helenka!"  And my(ish) pennants, which have sparked so many good conversations with the kids.  And the carpet squares, which always remind me to consider going outside today.  Every day.  And the blanket, which makes a lunch break nap an option.  And the shadows of my plants.  Yes, it's a good home away from home.  

I am hoping to get some productive planning/making done and have a stress reduction bulletin board already in the works, mentally.  It'll be nice to put up when I return in January, for all of our sakes (mine and the students').
   

But knowing I don't have to go back tomorrow also takes a huge load off my stress.  I got to spend extra time savoring scripture this weekend without the nagging, list-making, hurry up part of my brain talking to me as loudly as it normally does.  There's still stuff to do, but the sense of urgency isn't as heavy.  I'm grateful for that and for the huge ease of burden that comes from not having to plan for school and kids and meals and home and errands and self tomorrow.  It's amazing how much a difference it makes to get to put that one thing down, and to have the freedom to be home for an extra nine hours to get things done, even if it's just in five or ten minute increments between being needed by the kids.  

Today, in anticipation of birthing and coming home, I bought two bottles of wine.  One because of its description and the other because it was in a square bottle and I'm a sucker for packaging.  But what I'm really looking forward to is being able to stop by the Spotted Owl again on a semi-regular basis.  I loved going there alone, being known as "the girl with the papers," talking to Will, and savoring a week night bourbon in one of my favorite neighborhoods.

"Time held me, green and dying

 though I sang in my chains like the sea."

This is how we morning

Today I'm especially grateful for Psalm 127. There will be more but it's pray writing time!

Escape

I really need something tall to climb so I can hide out for a while in the sun. Sigh.

Blessings

Today was an incredible blessing of a little more time, a healthy dinner (that I didn't have to make-- Thanks, C), great probing spiritual questions from my students, amazing (and unexpected) testimony and conversation from a woman I admire, Christ speaking truth through other people, offering encouragement to others via SheReadsTruth, re-reading words of love, getting progress reports in just in case, playing barbies and dinosaurs and sonic-boom-rabbits with my kids, and a decent night of sleep last night to fuel this baby-pushing enterprise that could be underway any minute now.

Clumps of hair came out in the shower today, which means my hormones are already shifting to post-partum mode. This waiting is such an amazing thing.  I am so in awe of my body, and I hope that my body understands that I recognize its power over me so there is no need to go into labor in the middle of the night.  Hear that, body?

Pregnancy

Celebrating the end of 38 weeks of pregnancy.  I am forever grateful for my Evolution Yoga and all their love and support.  I went to class, overwhelmed, fearful, and tearful the day I took the test in January.  I went to class on Monday to celebrate Labor Day.  I'm planning to go again tomorrow if Moe isn't here yet.  Each opportunity to show up brings me new understandings of myself, my body, and what it means to transfer what I learn in yoga to what I know about life.  

Also grateful for a good friend, K, who shared this blog  post with me.  I hope C and I can find our way through this pregnant pause.  We've done a terrible job at it so far this pregnancy, but we have a little more time, don't we?  And we should use it well.

Self indulgent

Detox bath
Reading a great book on the Jesus Prayer
Taking with C instead of grading
Reading article of social commentary on line
Taking a preggo selfie

Sleep.

#earnedit

Reclaiming

Before tonight got rough and heavy and all those other adjectives I so often use to me "ick," I was driving home from the grocery store and writing a soaked-in-gratitude blog post for this day.

I know that the wording and flow of it are gone now, much like my patience, energy, and ability to find more reserves of those depleted emotional fossil fuels are pretty much gone for the day.

Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.

So this morning, I was once again appreciating my desire for a car, someday, with a zippy strong engine.  No little four cylinder thing, no.  I want to drive with some power so I can feel the engine grip the road as I accelerate onto the freeway.  Oh, it feels so good even just switching from the Corolla to the van.  Someday, I'm gonna drive powerfully.  I remember feeling this way when I was getting ready to buy my first car in college.  But practicality, price, gas mileage all took precedence over muscle.  Someday, probably far away.  I'll be like "The Little Old Lady from Pasadena."

Side note, a few weeks ago, I walked past a restaurant with live music.  The band was playing oldies-- and one in particular when I walked by.  I remember thinking "Oh wow!  I really like that song and I always forget about it.  I should go download it when I get home."  Haven't been able to remember the song since then.  Bummer.  However, I really appreciate that a band was still bothering to learn it because it was a  more obscure song.  Something with "cupid" in the lyrics... which really narrows down the songs it could be from 1950-1970,

At the grocery store, I stood in line admiring the way I put my purchases on the conveyor belt.  I try to be mindful of the cashier and how they have to bag the groceries, so I do what I can to put up groceries to make that easier for them.  Today it seemed like I nailed it and I watched with appreciation of the cashier's efficiency and fluid movement as he scanned and bagged my items.  It's one of those little things he may not have even noticed, but I just hope it made his day a little easier, let him think a little less so he could day dream a little more.  Or maybe so he could just feel the flow of his work and appreciate that fluidity in himself.

I stopped watching him bag my groceries when a small reunion took place behind me in line.  A young woman and her new husband were in town visiting from Connecticut.  She spotted a high school classmate in the next line and they exchanged details of their lives.  She works for Sikorsky ("They make helicopters," she explained just in case) now and her classmate works for a mortgage firm.  I felt this rush of hometown pride in these two who help people touch the sky and work toward better lives in new homes.  How wonderful to hear them doing much with their lives and so early.

Then I was walking out with a loaded cart, grateful my back wasn't in agony and overwhelmed with gratitude that I could provide a full cart of groceries for my family.  I'm very behind with work right now and it's stressful.  But it's a combination of a necessary evil as I work to get maternity leave plans in place and the fact that my sister was visiting from out of town for the first two weeks of the year.  I had to prioritize her and also getting my own kids settled into school routines because family and people matter most.  But now I'm crazy behind and it's weighing on me.  That stress diminished  for a few moments when I powered up my legs to push the cart up the incline to my car.  Each spark of muscle fiber firing to remind me that I'm so blessed to have work that matters to me, work that allows me to provide food and medical care to my family.  Blessed to be able to drive to the store and load this food into my car instead of hauling it onto a bus or subway.


Then singing in the car on the way home.  That was good too.  Windows down in the heat to let it wash over my skin. Then I came home, anticipating a movie night with the fam... and from there things kind of fell apart.  But until that point, it was alright.  And someday maybe it'll be alright a little more of the time. That's my prayer.  That and grace and peace.  Someone once told me I was the most gracious person ever.  I wasn't sure exactly what he meant and it was bad timing to ask, but it was one of those compliments that sticks with you, you know?  Grace and peace.  Grace and peace.

Daniel 10

Chapter 10

10-12:
Verses And behold, va hand touched me and set me trembling on my hands and knees. 11 And he said to me, “O Daniel, wman greatly loved, xunderstand the words that I speak to you, and ystand upright, for znow I have been sent to you.” And when he had spoken this word to me, I stood up trembling. 12 Then he said to me, a“Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you bset your heart to understand and bhumbled yourself before your God, cyour words have been heard, dand I have come because of your words.

Again in 19:
19 And he said, o“O man greatly loved, pfear not, peace be with you; be strong and of good courage.” And as he spoke to me, I was strengthened and said, “Let my lord speak, for you have strengthened me.”

2 Cor 10:3-5
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. 4 For themweapons of nour warfare are not of the flesh but have odivine power pto destroy strongholds. 5 We destroy arguments and qevery lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to robey Christ,

Tear stained

Because words without action hurt worse than just no action. 

I marvel at how much a heart can keep breaking.