I started another blog but didn't go live with it.
Tomorrow I should find out the results of a blood test that will be the first, least invasive test to see whether there's cancer or some pre-cancer malignancy living in me. There's something solid and uncomfortable, that's for sure. It looked rough on the monitors, like some angry ball of might-be-trying-to-kill-me. I haven't told many people. I haven't said much at all about how worried I am or about how much I'm not looking forward to surgery - which is going to happen either way. One fewer organ. I'll say it here in this cobweb space of mine.
I just wish I'd share this news with someone and they'd wrap their arms around me. But mom, no. Baby daddy, no. Friends, well, they found out over the phone so it's different.
But really. I just want to be somewhere safe and warm in someone's arms. So, like any single mom whose kids are at their dad's tonight, I took a bath. Which, while unsympathetic, was at least warm.
The possibility of cancer though. Man. And what, this has been my life? Hell. No. I'm ready for real love and for sharing real joy. Bring it the heck on. I can't keep waiting.
Because I can't wait.
