Calm

I love my city, my Cleveland. I love driving through Tremont. I love the people with their plastic bags.  I love the girl driving her bike with no hands. I love lattes from Lucky's Cafe. I love the grit and the musicand even the humidity. 

Feeling grateful,  expansive, strong,  and calm in this moment.  

Been needing this moment for a long ass time.

Love,  love,  it's all around.

Daniel Chapter Six

This whole lion’s den story is cool enough, but it’s the little phrases and details in a lot of this that got me fired up this time through.  For example, in verse 3, it talks about how Daniel distinguishes himself “because uan excellent spirit was in him. And the king planned vto set him over the whole kingdom.” It’s subtle but important to note that it’s not through Daniel’s doing that there’s this excellent spirit in him.  He isn’t excellent in himself, but the excellence comes to him through the spirit that dwells in him.  I know that for myself, I like to attribute the excellent parts of myself to, well, myself.  I mean, obviously God made me this way, but I own that excellence as part of who I am.  This little phrase, “an excellent spirit was in him,” reminds me that God put this excellence in me.  That, in fact, it’s God’s spirit in me.  That’s a nice humbling reminder to give credit where credit is due.  And it reminds me of what I wrote yesterday about reflecting God’s light from people back to people, in the spirit of our yogic closing to each practice:  Namaste!  (which we say so peacefully, but it really is more of a joyful declaration)

Next up, this phrase from verse four: “ because he was faithful, xand no error or fault was found in him.” but that doesn’t keep Daniel safe.  I like to think that I’ll be safe and life will be smooth if I am faithful and don’t do crappy things.  Not so!  Unfortunately, in the last year, I wrecked my relatively clean record of not being a shady person.  Still, even when I was in the clear, life wasn’t easy and free from attack.  I think that’s important too.   We have to be good anyway.

Manipulation comes up in this chapter, too.  In verse seven, the other satraps and governors use basic peer pressure to get Darius to sign the decree, saying “All the shigh officials of the kingdom, the prefects and the satraps, the zcounselors and the governors are agreed.”  First of all, this is a flat out lie because Daniel’s not part of this decree.  This isn’t anything Darius wanted, but he goes along with it because so many people suggested it’s a good idea.  I have done this over and over in life.  Where I get hung up is when it’s that moral grey area where I struggle to navigate on my own because it’s hard to discern the best course of action.  So I turn to the counsel of the people around me and let their advice sometimes trump the words in my heart.  When I listen to others instead of myself, that’s when I’ve made some of the more questionable decisions in my life.  That’s when I feel more regret and get myself into quicksand.  I’m still working on this trusting myself thing.  It’s a process.  I always thought I was pretty secure in myself and knowing what is best for me, but in the past year I see how much I’ve let other people tell me what I need even when I know better.  I think I could have avoided a lot of pain if I let fear and others’ opinions govern my life less and listen to the signs around me more.  What a dummy I can be sometimes.  =)

Verse 10 : “he went home.”  Daniel hears about this decree and instead of confronting anyone, he just keeps to himself and does his own thing.  This reminds me of the opposite of the showy, name brand Christians that sometimes get under my skin.  When Daniel realizes his society has turned against him again and tried to get between him and his God, he just goes along slow and steady like always.  Yeah, he could have flaunted his piety and prayed in public, but he doesn’t.  He doesn’t try to make a point or stand his ground in some kind of show-down with the king and officials.  I really respect that.  That’s how we know it’s really about Daniel’s devotion to God and not any claim to fame or political posturing.  It’s important for us to examine our pious actions and be aware of when they are externally driven and when they come from a true yearning and devotion to God.  I guess I could be thankful that my pride doesn’t pull me in this way (plenty of other ways, but not this one), but it’s something I think I see a lot.  And honestly, when I observe it in a group or person, it makes me skeptical and I get all cynical.  So the holy example they are trying to set gets polluted by the publicity they seem to be seeking or posturing they seem to be doing.  I guess the best thing to do is to pray for them that their motivations are more genuine so they don’t turn more people off.

This part of Daniel is also a reminder of the power of habit and how important it is for us to build dedicated prayer time into our lives.  He doesn't seem to have to think very hard about whether to pray or where or when.  On SheReadsTruth, one of the companion scriptures was  2 Tim 3: 15 “and that afrom childhood you have known bthe sacred writings which are able to cgive you the wisdom that leads to dsalvation through faith which is in eChrist Jesus.”  If our prayer lives are ingrained in us, it’s harder to falter when that steadiness is under attack.

Finally, we get a king whose head is screwed on a little straighter.  After he realizes his decree busts Daniel, he doesn’t get defensive or make excuses.  In verse 14 he “was greatly displeased with himself.”  And then he doesn’t try to impress anyone or show his power, but he retreats to his palace to pray and spend the night working toward Daniel’s deliverance.  

Just like the kings are changing, Daniel is too.  In verses 16-18 Daniel doesn’t even say anything when he’s in trouble this time.  It’s like he doesn’t need to anymore.  Is it because Darius already realized what he did wrong or is it more because Daniel is resigned to his fate and to all the behavior of these silly kings.  Is it Daniel’s maturity now that he’s a grown man, mature and wise, instead of a youth like he was in Chapter 1?  I’m  not sure what to make of this change.  What do you think?

Finally, I like that we don't know what happened in the lion's den or what it was like for Daniel.  That ambiguity is important because it allows us as readers of this story to put ourselves in Daniel’s place and imagine lions analogous to our own.  This is so much more powerful than describing exactly what happened in there that night.  What craftiness on the author’s part!  The lit teacher in me is all drippy with appreciation of author’s craft.  Ha!  And it is echoed by this other scripture that SheReadsTruth paired with Chapter 6:  1 Peter 5:9 (NASB) 9 1aBut resist him, bfirm in your faith, knowing that cthe same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your 2brethren who are in the world.”  We all have lions to contend with.  The exact details aren’t important.  Our problems are proportional to what we can handle and the difficulty of contending with them is quite subjective.

I was just rocking out this verse in my journal last week.  Here it is again, but it seems like people focus on verses 6 and 7.  That’s handier for it’s bite-sized-ness, but the whole passage is just LOVELY.  

Philippians 4:4-9

4 pRejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. 5 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. qThe Lord is at hand; 6 rdo not be anxious about anything, sbut in everything by prayer and supplicationtwith thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And uthe peace of God, vwhich surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 9 What you have learned and wreceived and heard and seen xin me—practice these things, and ythe God of peace will be with you.

Daniel Chapter Five

When the queen talks of Daniel, she says he should be called “ebecause an excellent spirit, knowledge, and funderstanding fto interpret dreams, explain riddles, andgsolve problems were found in this Daniel, hwhom the king named Belteshazzar. Now let Daniel be called, and he will show the interpretation.”

The names have been so important throughout Daniel.  At first, his name was entirely stripped away.  Now, his old name is just a small part of his identity to help people remember who he is.  The kings tried to change Daniel into someone of Babylon, but it didn’t work.  Eventually, they gave up and just called him by his birth name.  It’s as if they recognize that he will stay true to his real self and his convictions and so instead of forcing him to bend to their will, they allow him to be himself.  That’s encouraging as we work our own ways through the world.  At some point, we may get relief from the fight.

Side note, I just ate a whole Skor bar.  Skor bars are amazing, but if you know me, you know it’s mayyyybe once a year that I can pack away an entire candy bar in one sitting, let alone in one day.  I can already feel the sugar hitting my blood and my brain is going “boingy boingy boingy.”  Yipes.  I blame the cyst pain and the baby.  And since this candy bar was for them, I can still follow through and make and eat those oatmeal cookies later.  MMmmmmbuddy.

Back to Daniel:

I feel like for a long time I was like Nebuchadnezzar and only called on God after I tried worldly solutions (knowledge, doctors, advice from friends) or when I was very much freaked out -- either in a positive or a negative way. Not cool.  This is going to connect nicely to Chapter 6!  Just wait!

Daniel Chapter Four!

Even Nebuchadnezzar is able to proclaim God’s goodness and might (verses 1-3).  He was crazy!  And ruthless!  So taking the wild leap and assuming that we are probably not that crazy nor that ruthless, why is it so difficult for us to bear witness and speak God’s praises publicly?

In verses 4-9, Nebuchadnezzar still hangs on to his own god, even though he knows the real God’s power.  We do this all the time with things of this world that we turn into our idols.  How does this hold Nebuchadnezzar back later?  How does it hold us back?

Nebuchadnezzar still doesn’t get it.  He says some of the right words about God, but he doesn’t really understand.  This is also an easy trap into which to fall.

In verse 18, what sets Daniel apart isn’t his God-given ability to interpret because it wasn’t even a hard dream to figure out.  The symbolism would have been rather obvious to all of those interpreters.  It never says the don’t know what the dream means, just that the won’t make it known.  What set Daniel apart was his strength and courage to be honest with the king.  Also in this verse, the king can recognize the things and people of god, but he still hasn’t become a person of God himself.

I love the idea that sometimes we need to be humbled by our own senseless, animalistic behavior before we  can really learn.  That’s me 100%.

In Daniel 27, when Daniel says “Therefore, O king, let my counsel be acceptable to you: break off your sins by gpracticing righteousness, hand your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, ithat there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.” It reminds me that understanding what God’s message is is not enough.  We can know about him and quote scriptures all day long, but it doesn’t matter unless we actually practice righteousness and break off our sins.  Knowing is the easy part.  Doing (or not doing) is the hard part. Nebuchadnezzar once again gets part of what he needs to do, but he’s not all the way there.  Daniel basically says “JUST. STOP.” Why is it so hard to just stop our sinful ways when we know it’s what we have to do and when it’s what we want to do?

Maybe it's because, like Nebuchadnezzar, 

we need to mess up 

so we can be brought low 

so we can be exalted in knowledge and understanding of God.

Looking at verses 28-33, I keep thinking about the fact that God gave Nebuchadnezzar twelve months to stop being a butt.  God knows that it’s not easy for us to change our lives, but it seems like a year is a reasonable amount of time to expect us to make some progress.  In all my psychology and marriage repair reading this summer, I ran into that over and over again.  That a year in counseling should be enough time to see substantial change and if that’s not happening, then… some kind of drastic next steps are warranted.  The type-A planner in me appreciates some kind of timeline, even though I know, logically, that we’re all different and this isn’t some kind of God-given statute about change.  The type B free spirit  in me appreciates that latter part.

Also related to this, God gives Nebuchadnezzar a year to figure himself out and change, but when that time is up, God acts “That very hour” to fulfill his word

Nebuchadnezzar being turned into an ox fits his progress through this story so far:  slow, strong, stubborn, powerful.  So I wonder if God had to reduce me to an animal that fits my flaws so I could learn a necessary lesson, what animal I would be.  My gut response was a squirrel.  They’re hungry, chattering, busy, skittish, and indecisive.  Sometimes they are reckless as they leap from branch to branch (but that recklessness overlaps with their bravery and skill, too).  Yeah, quite possibly a squirrel.  Oh, and they’re leettle.  I’m leeeeeettle too.

Throughout Daniel, the importance of recognizing God’s power and then honoring him are important.  Doing so restores power and honor to those who do it.  I also noticed that we see how God’s power works on different parts of us:  minds (through the dreams), bodies (nourishing Daniel and company when they were on their vegetarian diet), nature (keeping the men safe in the fire), and dispositions (Nebby as Ox-man! -- don’t you just totally want to draw a picture of a great king behaving like an ox?  Just me?  Fair enough).

Jobbity Job

Man, I feed off people.  Tonight was back to school open house night and I felt so energized afterwards, even though it was more or less a 12 hour day on my feet.    What I love about my job is the way I just get to exercise love constantly.

In my errand driving about after open house (because why not make a long day longer?), I was reflecting on how much I love loving people and on how much I enjoy watching my students grow up.  I don't always get to pull them aside in a meaningful way and tell them how proud I am of the men and women they are becoming as they move to upperclassman-hood.  Or how I notice them emerging as leaders in our school in a positive way.  Or how their smiles just lift me up when I need it most.  I try to tell them as often as I can.  It's never as much as I feel, though.  But it makes me so thankful to be doing the work that I do and so thankful that so much of my job is just loving them.  That's the high octane fuel behind the magic that goes down in room 141.

I was also reflecting on how much different now that my schedule has shifted from almost all upperclassmen to almost all freshmen.  I do miss a lot about the older kids:  wittier banter, more mature course content, deeper discussions because they have more life experience, the fact that they get more of my jokes, more challenging and personal questions that they ask, the different flavor of camaraderie that forms between us, their increasing comfort in their own skins.  But there are also gifts that come with teaching the babies of the school, one of which is that I get to watch them become for another two or three years.  I get to cheer them on from the sidelines and enjoy that afterglow of "Whew we made it through her class and it wasn't so bad after all! In fact, I'm proud of myself."  And every once in a while, one of them comes back, humbled and grateful, and apologizes for being a butt in my class last year, last semester, three years ago-- long after I've forgotten their transgressions (unless they were really funny).

Sometimes this profession seems uncomfortably transient.  Every year, we have to learn a whole new group of 75 or 100 or so individuals (more if you're on semesters!).  They move in and out of our district constantly.  Sometimes it feels like we never get a chance to settle in before everything changes again -- let's not even talk about the mandates!  But more and more I'm feeling the connection.  I'm not sure if it's that I'm getting better and building those connections more quickly or if it's that I'm learning to love and savor more completely.  Or maybe it's my new-ish (in the last half a decade or so) resolve to try to see people through God's eyes and reflect His light in them back to them (Namaste!  Namaste!  Namaste!).  My life-pace has slowed some, which is hard to believe with three-almost-four kids, but I'm more able to savor than I used to be.  Or that savoring is becoming more of a way of moving through the world rather than something I have to really stop and think about doing.  I'm crazy grateful for it.

Other little awesome tidbit:  For the first time in my life, I think, I walked out of a multi-store mall run and the bag from Sephora was the biggest one I was carrying.  It felt pretty cool, though I'm not sure why.  Perhaps, in part, because it was filled with gifts for people I love!  Now that's a happy-making thing.

Mmm what a nice evening!  Now I just need a solid back massage and some reflexology on my feets and we'll be good to go.  Or, more realistically, just sleep.

Daniel Chapter Three

In vs 1 Nebuchadnezzar tries to suggest his plan is greater than God’s vision or God’s plan because instead of just a gold head, he has the entire statue made of gold.  He only wants to see the idealized version of himself, not look at himself the way God sees him.  He doesn’t acknowledge that God has a plan for him, but only wants to see what he wants to happen.  In what ways do we do this and why is it dangerous?  How can it lead to pain for us later?

Verses 13-15 It’s one thing for the men to stand up when they’re lost in a crowd, but once they are called out and directly questioned, they still stand their ground, together, and don’t wuss out in the face of harsh punishment.  Why is it easier to do God’s will and live out his commands privately than it is to do it when we’re being called out or questioned?  How can we strengthen ourselves in this regard?

Remembering how God came through for Daniel with the dream in Chapter 2 probably helped them be stout-hearted.  Too often, we look at where we fall short or where we feel were are lacking follow through or answers from God.  How might we change if, instead, we focused our memories and attention on all the ways we have been strong and all the ways He has come through for us?

These guys don’t have if/then thinking (we’ll obey if we get what we want, etc.)  They say something more like if/and.  Their faith is not conditional on what they’ll get in return nor is it conditional on what they’ve already received.

This is Old Testament, too!  How much more powerful is it for us now that we’ve been promised salvation?!  Ultimate salvation?!

According to Guzik:  “In our day, many do love Jesus and think highly of Him-- yet they are far from God because they also love and worship the world, sin, and self.  Do not love the world or the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  (I John 2:15)

I struggle with this because I find that I often connect to God through the world.  What checks are there so I can make sure my balance is right?

One idea for a question I could ask myself is: Is _______ (whatever worldly thing is on my mind) usurping the importance of God in my life?  Distracting me from Him?  Replacing time and devotion to Him?  Is it something I'm using for numbing myself in some way?  If it’s taking away from my focus on God, it’s probably bad.  If it’s adding, it’s good. So my gardening obsession isn't a bad thing if a)it's tempered and moderate and b) I use my garden time to grow closer to God, praying, marveling at His creation, and allowing stillness to enter my heart so He can speak words to it that are easier for me to hear.

Another take away from this chapter: Small challenges prepare us for greater challenges.

19-23

Interesting that it took men of valor to throw them into the furnace.  Not just anyone was willing to do it OR Nebuchadnezzar knew that some of his people would resist and he needed to order valorous ment to do it to show the observers that their faith in him unwavering.  Again we see the contrast between Nebuchadnezzar and God.  Nebuchadnezzar gets obedience through threats, death, and fear.  God offers deliverance and life, even after we disobey.

I like that the furnace could function as a metaphor for sin in general.  It can’t leave its mark on us if we are singing with Jesus.  It can’t even leave its stink on our bodies. To complement this, ol' worldly Nebuchadnezzar is the one who ordered them thrown into "sin."

29- Nebuchadnezzar makes a proclamation in favor of the God of the Hebrews, which is a pretty big deal that he’s now changing his mind and humbling himself after all this was about refusing to worship false gods in the first place.  

Guzik connects it to 2Corinthians 3 when Paul writes:

1 Are we beginning to acommend ourselves again? Or do we need, as some, bletters of commendation to you or from you?

2 aYou are our letter, written in our hearts, known and read by all men;

3 being manifested that you are a letter of Christ, 1acared for by us, written not with ink but with the Spirit ofbthe living God, not on ctablets of stone but ondtablets of 2ehuman hearts.

4 Such aconfidence we have through Christ toward God.

I just love the idea of thinking of ourselves as a letter from God to the world.  Because LETTERS ARE THE BEST!!!  

 What kind of letter to the world were Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-Nego?  What about Daniel?

This last part is most definitely going to be something I journal on more later:

What kind of letter do I want my life to be?  What would my letter say so far?  What else do I want it to say?

Now there's a killer prompt for my vision/dream board project!!!

Daniel Chapter Two

 When Daniel finds out Nebby's nefarious plan to kill all the advisers, he goes right to his friends for mutual counsel and support:

17 Then Daniel went to his house and made the matter known to Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, his companions, 18 and told them to seek mercy from the God of heaven concerning this mystery, so that Daniel and his companions might not be destroyed with the rest of the wise men of Babylon. 19 Then the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a vision of the night. Then Daniel blessed the God of heaven.

What's notable about this is that he wants to protect them from destruction, but then after they pray -- together-- God answers those prayers and delivers them all through Daniel.  Aside from Daniel serving as a prefigurement of Christ saving us, this is really cool because it drives home the idea that we're in this together.  We have to make each other aware of the dangers around us and then we have to pray and seek God's mercy together to be delivered from those dangers.  Daniel isn't acting in isolation.

Too often, I want to just go it alone.  Scratch that, I don't *want* to go it alone, but I do anyway because it's easier, more convenient, or it requires less vulnerability-- I don't have to face the ick in my own spirit when I'm not in the mood if no one is there to hold me accountable.  I sometimes let this pride take over and isolate me.  It's dumb.  I need all the help I can get because, honestly, there are a lot of times I feel like a hot mess trying to stay afloat in all this murk.  In what ways do we block ourselves from experiencing this spiritual companionship?  What could we do to cultivate it more in our daily or weekly lives?

Other observations:  It's interesting the way God is set up as a contrast to Nebuchadnezzar in verse 12-13 when Nebby sentences all of the wise men to death.  While there may have been political motivations (new king coming up with an excuse to clean house and appoint new advisers who would be more loyal to him), there's also this idea that Nebby might be looking for faithful, trustworthy advisers to help him on his reign.  Nebuchadnezzar, a ruthless, worldly ruler, uses the threat of life to gather faithful advisers to him.  On the other hand, God gives his faithful the promise of life and asks nothing in return except our obedience and love.  Who would you rather serve?

That's kind of an obvious rhetorical question, so then maybe a better one is why do we choose to serve worldly things that only contain promises of death for us rather than promises of life?

Check out the dream now.  So roughly verses 44-45.  We've got a final empire that overthrows the kingdom and it's partly strong, partly fragile.  What could this be a metaphor for in your own life?  What's powerful in your life that threatens to overthrow you despite it being "partly fragile"?

Finally, Nebuchadnezzar's faith ("Your God is the God of gods") comes after God and Daniel pass his test.  And later, we're going to see that faith waver again.  Daniel's faith comes before the test.  Why is it so much more powerful to have faith before it is tested?  And in what ways do you withhold your complete faith in God, waiting for Him to come through on something first?  How does that impinge on a closer, more loving relationship with Him?

I've got to think about that one a little more before I tackle my own answer.  But lunch break is over now!  Back to the grind!

Daniel!

Two parts of today's readings are singing to my heart right now:

First, when Kaitlin writes "so He would exalt them at the proper time," that's convicting for me because there's a part of me that wants to be the one to decide when then proper time is (usually NOW, heh).  I have to remind myself that the healing, peace, wisdom, or deliverance I pray for WILL come and only God knows when the time is right for that.  I have to remember that probably nine times out of ten, the reason the time isn't right is because of me.  Chances are that my heart isn't yet open enough, my mind not yet receptive enough to take it what he has for me.  And when it is, His promise of grace and peace will be fulfilled.

Dog metaphors are often lost on me, but the images of a closet door left cracked open, a hand that feeds and love...wow!  I feel that from God.  And I need to cling to that idea that He's always going to leave a door open for me.  His hand is always there to feed and love me (what I need, not the chocolate that I want but will make me sick).  There are some times when I give in to feeling unworthy or like I deserve the hard times I'm facing, but I need to remember that God's foremost goal for me is my oneness with Him, which brings with it surpassing peace and joy.  So instead of worrying about what I want or what I think I need, what I really should be doing is keeping my eyes trained only on him.  Obedience, closeness, and most of all, love.

Can't Stop Sharing This Book

I read a phenomenal book this summer called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.  Today, I checked out her blog for the first time.  Anyway, a line from one of the more recent entries:

 Because the bigger, deeper secret is that pleasure begets pleasure.

If and when you can allow bits and pieces of pleasure into your life, it creates space in your brain for more pleasure of all kinds.

struck a chord with me because it's something I experienced in the past year (except you could sub out "pleasure" for "joy") and yeah.  It makes me hungry to reclaim that upward spiral of joyful pleasure happiness peace and goodness.
Also, in another entry, she talked about the Dunning-Kruger Effect and explained it like this:
The Dunning-Kruger Effect says, essentially, that people have no idea how little they know, and the less a person knows, the more certain they will be that they know everything they need to know.

Which I won't say much about except that it really reminds me of one someone I know in particular and a problem that lots of us fall victim to from time to time.

So, in the spirit of claiming joy and gratitude:
1. I didn't have to sit on hold nearly as long as I expected to to rectify a transcript situation.  Which, in addition to saving me time and frustration, is going to get me a nice little raise this year!
2. I have my second appointment with my midwife tomorrow and I'm really excited.
3. This is one of those days where I can tell I'm going to sleep well at night.  Because I desperately need to sleep well.
4. ALL of the boys and one of the girls hung out in my room after school today and I walked home smiling and feeling great.  I love being a social hub, surrounded by banter and laughter and man, the people I work with make me feel so loved.  I'm blessed, truly, by each of them.
5. I have a really unexpected letter to write back to!
6. Thinking I might

Challenge:
I want to lay outside on my stomach and write back to that letter, but my dang old belly is in the way and I"m not sure how to do it.

Daniel Day Three

I'm really enjoying the group study of Daniel through She Read Truth.  So thankful my sister-in-law asked me to join her in reading it!

Are you struggling to serve both the true God and a false god?

I know that to some degree I am because my heart aches sometimes with the yearning for a closer connection to my God.  I feel the distance and know something is out of balance.  My problem is that I don't even know exactly which false God I'm serving.  I'm almost nine months pregnant with my fourth baby in under seven years and I'm working full time and those aren't the end of the complications in my life.  Most of the time, it feels like I'm just in survival mode and it's the day to day stuff that takes my time and energy so that there's so little left at the end of the day to crack open a Bible or prayer journal and settle into the warm palms of my savior.  I think back on today and how I frittered away 15 minutes here and there-- looking for area rugs for the kids' room, browsing a cookbook, looking up Karen Horney's pioneering psychological theories for no reason except just 'cuz (and because it's super interesting).  Nothing too nefarious, but when time and life is stretched so thin, it's those little things that matter, that make a difference between having the time and not.  I know I'm distracted, too.  My mind going places, analyzing things, trying to figure people out.  It's hard to know where the line is between just getting through life and over-indulging in fruitless thought, trying to provide peace, understanding, wisdom for myself instead of letting God do His work.  So maybe that's the answer:  go to Him first, let him work in me.  And if there's time left over, spend it looking at the rugs, browsing for a good Tuscan soup, trying to understand the dynamics of painful relationships.
What is your “identity crisis?” 

My identity crisis is something I was exploring this weekend when I was studying Luke 18.  One of the questions I posed to myself and then journaled on is what does God see when He looks into my heart.  It was sobering to admit to myself that while my actions are generally good (okay, I screw up plenty, but it's easy to say that, relatively speaking, I'm doing decent as a human being) my heart isn't so easy to excuse.  I'm hard on myself.  I'm hard on other people.  There's pain in there and some bitterness and resistance.  There's pride.  There's a whole corner reserved for the weak creatures in me: the lonely one, the sad one, the scared one, the heartbroken one, the recovering one, the anxious one.  They huddle together like mice or lizards, trembling tails and black, glittering eyes looking out into the room hoping no one's come to crush them.

I've been encountering a lot of different authors advocating that we write and think about our real selves and our ideal selves.  Not as some sort of shame exercise, but to look at what we want our identity to be and how we can bridge that distance to get a little closer.  I think that's often where an identity crisis comes from.  We know that the distance between our real and ideal selves is great and the distress of that can lead to an identity crisis.  My prayer for all of us is that we can settle these identity crises by moving toward God.  He knows who we are, He formed us each, lovingly, and then called us each by name.  Who else could help us become the best of what we truly are?

I've got to say, though, that I'm still working at that personal relationship with Christ.  When it's right there, I feel it, but it's hard for me to be there and I don't know what the hang up is.  what part of me is still closed off.  I know sometimes it's the intellectualizing I do;  sometimes it's easier to analyze scripture than to use is at a conduit to the God who inspired the words.  It's easier to read books about spirituality than to lay my heart bare and open, to sustain that openness without distractions long enough to let God come through the doorway.  I used to wonder why people got more spiritually devoted as they got older.  When I was in middle school  through college, or really, earl adulthood (adultolecence), I thought it was mostly because they were getting closer to death and facing mortality is a good motivation to move Jesus-ward.  Now I'm understanding that it's not until the late afternoon and evening of life that a person has enough QUIET to just rest in Christ.  Not if you have kids and work and house and all the rest.  It's so difficult.  I hope to figure out a solution at some point soon because I want Jesus.  I want to know him in my bones and blood in every moment.  I want more than just the waking awe of the beauty of His creation.  I want to know and be known so deeply.  There's distance to bridge and it's like every time I put in a shift laying bricks, all the multitudinous legitimate distractions and people who need my attention creep in when I'm on a coffee break to chisel the mortar back and knock the bricks back down.

I feel like I'm making lame excuses.  How do people with this many needy people and concerns in their life do it?  One day, one step closer at a time, I suppose.  

These guys have such nice voices.  Dang.  Listening to "Brothers" right now.  Wow. Just good and wow.  It's totally feasible to drive to Columbus with a three week old babe to see them, right?

Peculiar. Prophecy?

This glorious spirea is Tom.  Say hello to Tom.

I've been taking care of Tom since our eighth grade field trip to the career center, where I signed up to preview the horticulture program.  Even at age 13, I was a little gardener.

His companion, Virgil, lived four or five years before meeting his untimely demise thanks to the crazy radiators in Collins Hall.  Virgil's final resting place is under a bridge in Marcum Woods.  

Tom's been going strong for nearly two decades.  Until now.  His furthermost extremities started dropping leaves about two weeks ago.  I gave him some TLC but it hasn't been enough.  Now two more of his palmy heads are drooping.  I did an emergency surgery on him today, removing one of the two branches that come off the main trunk.  I hope this will keep him alive.  Meanwhile, I took  what I could of the removed branch and am going to try to propagate some Tommy babies.  I don't have any rooting hormone, though, so we'll see what happens.  I hope he lives because I've had him so long.  If not, that's okay.  He has gotten rather leggy and unsightly.  Maybe it's time to let him go.  But there's something about this plan that reminds me I know myself.  I've known myself since middle school when I ditched my friends and all the people who signed up for programs based on where their bffs were going to do what mattered to me.  The other program was something in design or engineering.  I don't remember exactly other than that it involved working with tools and solving some kind of design puzzle with washers and screws.  There is something about knowing that you know how to be true to yourself that is empowering.

No use in pretending.