Not Ready. Painfully Honest.

I wanted this summer to end with a sweet note, a silver lining.

Thought it might have been our anniversary.  No.

Thought it might have been a project finished.  Nope.

Thought we'd catch a sunset down at the lake this weekend.  Nada.

Thought, at the very least, I'd catch up on my work or on something and be a wee bit ready for the utter insanity that promises to meet us in the weeks ahead.  Sorry Charlie, as the kiddoes say.

I'm not giving up, though, because summer is over but life isn't.  Even though it feels like that sometimes.  The crash and fumble and shoes that know nothing but missteps.

I feel hopeful when I handle erasers and cleaning products.  When I throw stacks of paper into the recycling.  Fear rises up in me and heartache.  I fight the urge to beat it back, knowing that the only way to move forward is to feel it.  Let it wash over me and through me.  Frank Herbert knew his psychology, didn't he?

But at least there are some new potted plants.  Funeral ghosts of our grandfathers populate this whole house now.

My whole body aches.  My ribs and upper back the worst, from the crying.  No one ever said this would be easy.  No one ever said "prepare to fall apart," either.

God is my strength.  God is my strength.  I am His treasured one and He is my strength.  I just pray He gives me a hand to hold soon.  And even as I type that, I hear His answer:  I have given you six hands to hold.  Soon eight.  You held Nora's hand today when you walked to the store.  You have hands to hold.  I have to pull myself out of this and get it together.

I don't want to get up and go to school tomorrow.  I don't know if I have the strength to put on the smile and the razzle dazzle.  To be here for and listen to and smile and gently chide and do all the things it takes.  All I want is to collapse into loving arms and sleep or cry or breathe in some comforting human love.

I don't know if I have the strength to do it.  I don't know if I can do one day let alone six weeks before infant insanity strikes.  I'm scared.  I need strength.