Tea Bags, Notes

My tea bag tags have been speaking to me this week:

"You can't reach for anything new if your hands are still full of yesterday's junk." - Louise Smith

"Trust your own instinct.  Your mistakes may as well be your own, instead of someone else's. - Billy Wilder (which is the second time I've gotten this one recently)

And then some notes as I was going through my yellow legal pads:

From a socratic seminar: "True desires are revealed and you become more human." and "lonliness and rejection make him a monster."
Also: "It's human to want to be redeemed."
"What's the danger of not feeling worthy?"
"When your brain feels cheated, you feel angry."
"You have to be able to bear the weight of your humanity."

"Hearing this makes me want to sing Negro spirituals." -DJP

Random words from a staff meeting

I write thoughts mingled with words spoken out loud at these meetings.
They're confounding but somehow beautiful.

I'm grateful for my students' brilliance.  I'm grateful for the people I work with.  I'm grateful for embracing that which is in my heart and not denying it. There is tremendous power in owning my emotions, embracing them as real, and refusing to let anyone else tell me that they were wrong or not authentic.  I know what is in my heart and it strengthens me.  It is beautiful and true.  And it is mine to treasure, even if other people reject it, deny it, spit on it, try to invalidate it.  It's hard to discuss why someone might do that without sounding bitter, so I'll leave those thoughts to my own head.

When Jonah lists off the whole family and how he loves them he ends and says "and I love myself."  It sounds so sweet for him to say it and it makes me feel good that he loves himself, yet I'm hesitant to voice those same feelings.  But here it is, too:  I love myself.  I screw up plenty.  I have plenty of ugly in here.  But I love myself and I see the good, too.  As a steward of Higher gifts, I have to protect that good and not let my light go out the way I have seen others do.  What will we have left to give and build with if we allow ourselves to be reduced to nothing?  What good is that sacrifice?  We are called to grow our fortunes, not throw them away.  

In a place where there is so much grey area and so many gigantic question marks, I am starting to understand that there can be more than one "right path."  I am seeing how easily words can be manipulated, even holy words, to support any agenda.  Before I let my head start spinning again, like often happens when I look outside my heart for guidance, I remember that I can ask the Holy Spirit to dwell in me and help me see my path.  To shake off the other influences and listen to God speak to my heart.  Will I always hear Him right?  No way.  But is turning to Him and letting him speak to me, as an individual, in my soul-- which is the closest part of me to the divine-- instead of turning to interpretations of other humans the right thing to do?  I think it is.  Because when I listen to Him, I don't feel fear and frustration.  I don't feel trapped.  I feel hopeful and free.  It's mostly been when I allow the other noise in that my heart starts to quake and I doubt what I need and what I feel.  There's something big in this, I think.  Does this even make any sense?  Ha!

Stay tuned for posts on authenticity and manipulation, Romeo and Juliet, and a host of other things.  But not now because I feel weak and tired and unable to eat, still.  But after yesterday, I feel a little better.  It's confusing and scary, but I feel better.  I can picture strong breezes and long walks.  I can see some peace and possibility.  Scary?  Heck yes.  But my heart finally doesn't ache in my chest at the thought of summer.  There will be sadness and I know this.  But the fear is different because it's the fear of the unknown, not the fear of my further unraveling as a person.  I want another chance to be a better mom.  To get more sleep.  To grow.