Lost

And then he left the house and I'm sitting here alone feeling both abandoned and somewhat less anxious;  confused and hurt.

The slow erosion of me and of us that has been going on for the last few years has hit a point of steep crumbling like when the tree at the edge of the river finally gives in and tumbles into the water.

I'm sad and when I tell him I can't breathe and he leaves me and leaves the house I only know one thing:  this is not the face of love.

There's no more pretending I'm strong and can handle this.  There is no more pretending because I can't.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound to see how much Moe is behind in growth and if everything is okay.  If he asked how I was feeling about this, his child's growth within me, he would know how I was feeling:  Anguish, guilt, worry, sadness, loneliness, hope that things are okay...