Update From the Trenches

How, exactly, does one adjust from the joys of being home with one's kids to going to work to the exasperating task of teaching other people's kids basic research skills and MLA format?  It's not easy.

Part of what makes it so not easy is that I like doing what I do well.  And right now, and probably for the rest of the school year, I will be neither mothering nor teaching to the best (or even close) of my ability.  It's hard when I genuinely like both jobs (momming more,  of course) and when I have so many ideas, when both jobs go so much more smoothly when one has the time and resources to put systems into place to allow for maximum freedom, time to play, ease....

So right now it's all just pretty uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable mixed with profound joy, getting in touch with myself, collaboration, sunlight, baby drool.  I'm listing again.  List-style-writing is so weak.  And I do it all the time.

My natural inclination is to push for things to change.  For me to change.  For something to change.  But today I remembered, again, because I forget every two days, that this is an Infant Year.  Which means I will be sleep deprived and in survival mode and frustrated by the way that I don't have the resources to give what little creativity eeks through the cracks of my bloodshot eyeballs the time of day.  Frustrated by the scrambling and the scarcity of calm moments.

But the Infant Years don't last forever.  Unless  you're crazy like me.  My career:

Normal yearrrrghitbycar
Normal year
Change Jobs and Cities, start fresh, Normalish year
Preggo Year
Infant Year
Normal Yealamost year but then Preggo
Preggo year, half year off
Infant year turned normal
Preggo Year
Infant Year
Normawshit Preggo again
Infant Year.

That's my career.  Never more than a year without some big life thing that impacted my sleep/health/wellbeing so much that it affected my work.  Add emotional and relationship turmoil to the mix and ... damn.  I hope the second half of my career is a little more steady.  It has to be, right?  I the mean time, you'd think I'd have had enough practice to get through this, but there's always more complication.

All that to say that today C made dinner and I sat in the big chair nursing Moe, teaching Em to read, and loving on the other two who were climbing on my legs.  And to be covered in four babes when you come home from work... well, it's exhausting and doesn't make sense that it's possible, but it's good.  And in those moments I can feel that I was built for this much love and my heart is comfortable this full.