On the way home from yoga this morning, I was thinking about how each day that it isn't frigid (though the last two days have approached that point) means more time with green grass and bones that don't ache quite so hard. The absence of cold now doesn't prolong the cold at the end when spring is trying to emerge. I forget that sometimes. I forget that when the cold doesn't set in, it can mean less cold overall, not just more cold later. There's a metaphor for a worldview in that somewhere, friends.
So then I got out of the car and noticed the snap dragons, who have been struggling with themselves for the past six weeks or so ("Do we give in to the frost and go limp? No guys, we got this! Can we squeeze out one last round of blooms?" "Maybe!" "Yes!" one lone branch cries, and so on...) Today they looked like they were just about to succumb to the cold, and because their leaves were drooping and glossy, I was able to see the last branch of blooming salvia creeping up behind them. What tenacity these plants have. No one can tell them they aren't hardy enough or that they should have stopped growing at first hard frost. That's been me a lot in the last year, feeling like I've hit my limits with what I can bear, how much patience I can show, I how much I can give, how many reminders I can make, how much forgiveness, how little sleep. And even when all of me, the mindspiritbody, feels crushed, I find that I have more. It can only be God. I do, however, hope that the next year involves much less testing of limits and much more residing comfortably within them. At least for a while. Or at least if I got to choose the limits that were tested (capacity for my new chocolate chip cookie recipe perhaps?)
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| This salvia can't stop, won't stop. |
Another fun part of New Year's Day: the calendar swap. No fancy calendar this year, just a freebie from the Nature Conservatory or something but starting with so much open. Transferring the already-made appointments into January and February. It's almost as if the old calendar feels heavier from the weight of all that this year held. More doctor's appointments than I've had in a year, more marriage counseling, more scans of my insides, more school events, soccer games for the first time ever (I became a soccer mom this year! Bumper sticker and all!), STAR WARS in all capital letters, appointments to look at new houses, dinners with friends and regular weekly things that were inked in, disappeared for a sad while, and returned again. Nothing really tells the story of a year quite like a calendar. It's the unvarnished, day to day truth of your life. I wish we could see more calendar representations on social media, honestly. That's what I'm most curious about. Save the curated truth for something else and show us the real mess of the day to day. Maybe that's a resolution I could make. It's always what I aim for at least.
I have changed a lot in the last year, I think, and a lot of those changes were those kind that come because I was thrust into situations and had to walk through the fire. Many of those fires I'd prefer to have avoided altogether or learned these lessons in an easier way. I'm grateful because I didn't realize how much I needed to learn. I thought I was doing pretty well. So I started to stand up for myself a little more, and I am becoming more mature. I recognized the ugly truth that I tend to default to blame when I am upset, stressed, or uncomfortable. And even if some of that blame is justified or true, that doesn't make it less ugly. I have been humbled in hard ways. But that was good for me. And I think that being brought low will ultimately make me more compassionate, forgiving, and aware of my own shortcomings/mistakes/sins/selfishness all that ugly-but-real stuff. It's hard for me to understand how, but seeing my own ugly more clearly and seeing the ramifications of it more clearly is comforting somehow. I feel like I actually love myself more now than I did a year ago. It's probably a combination of things: being more compassionate toward myself and how, as with any relationship, knowing myself better allows for a deeper and more loving relationship. And I am more in touch with what I need. Even if I'm not getting it. Hey, what's life if there's not room for improvement? I guess... but man, wouldn't it be so freaking fantastic to get to the point that the places that need improvement are just the fun places? Damn. I hope so, someday.
Other core beliefs have changed too. I don't think I'm becoming a different person, but a more real version of who I have always been. That feels good and ever gooder. And yes, "gooder" is still a word. What changes?
- I now appreciate the west side of Cleveland so much that I'm considering moving there. It's still rather flat for my taste, and the closer I am to the foothills of the mountains, the more tucked into the earth and safe I feel. But the places of the west side we've been considering are closer to the lake and my soul just steers me toward water like I'm one giant 5'2" divining rod.
- Dishwasher. Must have dishwasher. The volume of dishes in this family has carried us over the threshold from pleasant, meditative task to never ending cycle of work. And the realization that I'd cook more often and more creatively if I could get a handle on prep dishes is a big factor in this turning point.
- I'm breaking up with people pleasing and it's close friend image cultivation. It's understandable to want people to see the best version of you that exists, kind of like taking that compilation ACT score that gives you the highest cumulative. But it's at first scary and ultimately way more comforting when people know how much you suck. What makes it great is that it allows them the opportunity to love you anyway. Or to judge you and reject you. And either way, you know the kind of person you are dealing with. And while the judgement and rejection can hurt, you're left with security in the end. I must have had this underlying belief I wasn't aware of that I could manage what people thought and hold it together, seem polished-ish, be well liked and that would be better or safer or something. I didn't even realize I operated this way until I began to shed it and experience the freedom of it.
- I've changed as a mother and become more patient, loving, and balanced. It's about damn time *ahem* four kids later *cough cough* On Sunday, my grandma was asking me about how it was going with four kids and the words that tumbled out were that it was more difficult but better. And it is. And as far as my kids and my relationships with them goes, all I could ask for is more time with them and fewer responsibilities that draw my attention from them, in part so I could focus on them more and in part so that when I don't have to focus on them, I can be free do focus on the other things I love and developing myself more.
- My relationship with God and scripture has changed a ton and all for the better. It's been really beautiful and something I'm hoping to explore in this space more in the year ahead. But it's been a huge change to me and I can't be more happy for it.
- Finally, the last big change is that I noticed how much of a hater I could be sometimes, just for the sake of hating on something. There's entertainment value in being contrary, I guess. But that's just simply lame and smug and jerky. So, starting with the west side, I tried to stop being a hater. It's going well, considering snark is my native tongue and there are so many things to hate on in this world. Like dog sweaters. I jest. They're fine. Ish. Okay I'm still working on the hater thing.
Looking ahead, I will write more here. 2015 has more blog posts drafted but never finished or posted than any other year ever. What a sad thing! All those words suspended in cyberspace... I stop writing for lots of reasons and in no small part because there is so much to do and so many kids. But writing is part of my song and my light. Pouring it out adds breath to it. And I'm going to let my spirit breathe a little more for my own sake. Writing aside, I need 2016 to be a better year for me and for my family. That's my hope and my prayer, whatever form "better" takes, it's what we need. I have stopped pretending I know exactly what "better" looks like, but I think I'll recognize it when I feel it. Can't wait.
Looking ahead a little more immediately, new Sherlock tonight. Hominahominahominahheyyyyyyy.
Happy New Year!
What's new with you?
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