Feels like every time I look at a clock it is 4:44.
Weird.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
This is My Life
There was a moment today when I was balancing yoga-style on one leg in the kitchen, eating cookie dough, drinking afternoon coffee and carrying on a conversation with my husband in which he was helping me grieve the recent breaking off of an inappropriate attachment I had formed with another guy.
Beautiful in its surreality, this snapshot kind of captures the strange balance of what healthy means to me:
Taking care of each other.
Taking care of yourself.
Stretchy pants or no pants.
Facing conflict dead on like adults.
Cookie dough on a day of tears or whenever.
Coffee when you don't get to sleep.
Reaching for the phone immediately when I'm overcome by sadness.
Gratitude that the man I married can be such a good friend to me even when he is hurting.
Faith, true faith, that we will be okay no matter what happens, because the path we are on is one toward greater authenticity.
My health is my faith in listening to God's voice in my heart, my instinct, and acknowledging the truth and in trusting those more than any other social pressures or distortions.
Health is gaining more confidence by the minute.
Health is laughing to the point of tears in a conversation I feared earlier today.
My healthy is feeling:
Grateful for having blinders lifted.
Grateful for truth.
Grateful for honesty.
Grateful for seeing more and more of the true colors, because behind most rainbows, there are still clouds. Sometimes the dazzle of the colors gets in the way.
Grateful for the size of my problems.
Grateful for moments of joy that I will carry in my heart like diamonds.
I know I've not been the greatest person ever lately. But I also find great comfort in not hiding from the truth of it all-- good and bad-- because it will allow me to step forward with greater resolve and gratitude and joy. No more dysfunction. No more pussy-footin'. Give me a life of bravery! I'm ready torun FLY!
This is an oddly celebratory post and I get that. But you know what I'm learning? The power of facing things head on is even greater than I ever realized. The power of owning my shit and owning my shine. I'm not callous, but real. And this evening, I am choosing to clothe myself in strength and dignity and I am allowing Christ's mercy and peace to fill me and I am laughing at the future... which reminds me
Today these verses have been in my head and while I know I've fallen short of an ideal wife in a lot of ways, I look at this and know that I'm also doing a lot of things right. And that those number far greater than the things I've done wrong. I like how literally so many of these lines are true of the life I've cultivated, particularly all of the bits about doing work with hands.
Beautiful in its surreality, this snapshot kind of captures the strange balance of what healthy means to me:
Taking care of each other.
Taking care of yourself.
Stretchy pants or no pants.
Facing conflict dead on like adults.
Cookie dough on a day of tears or whenever.
Coffee when you don't get to sleep.
Reaching for the phone immediately when I'm overcome by sadness.
Gratitude that the man I married can be such a good friend to me even when he is hurting.
Faith, true faith, that we will be okay no matter what happens, because the path we are on is one toward greater authenticity.
My health is my faith in listening to God's voice in my heart, my instinct, and acknowledging the truth and in trusting those more than any other social pressures or distortions.
Health is gaining more confidence by the minute.
Health is laughing to the point of tears in a conversation I feared earlier today.
My healthy is feeling:
Grateful for having blinders lifted.
Grateful for truth.
Grateful for honesty.
Grateful for seeing more and more of the true colors, because behind most rainbows, there are still clouds. Sometimes the dazzle of the colors gets in the way.
Grateful for the size of my problems.
Grateful for moments of joy that I will carry in my heart like diamonds.
I know I've not been the greatest person ever lately. But I also find great comfort in not hiding from the truth of it all-- good and bad-- because it will allow me to step forward with greater resolve and gratitude and joy. No more dysfunction. No more pussy-footin'. Give me a life of bravery! I'm ready to
This is an oddly celebratory post and I get that. But you know what I'm learning? The power of facing things head on is even greater than I ever realized. The power of owning my shit and owning my shine. I'm not callous, but real. And this evening, I am choosing to clothe myself in strength and dignity and I am allowing Christ's mercy and peace to fill me and I am laughing at the future... which reminds me
Today these verses have been in my head and while I know I've fallen short of an ideal wife in a lot of ways, I look at this and know that I'm also doing a lot of things right. And that those number far greater than the things I've done wrong. I like how literally so many of these lines are true of the life I've cultivated, particularly all of the bits about doing work with hands.
10 An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She looks for wool and flax
And works with her [h]hands [i]in delight.
14 She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15 She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And [j]portions to her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [k]her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds [l]herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18 She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her [m]hands grasp the spindle.
20 She [n]extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And [o]supplies belts to the [p]tradesmen.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the [q]future.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the [r]teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29 “Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who [s]fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her the [t]product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
For her worth is far above jewels.
11 The heart of her husband trusts in her,
And he will have no lack of gain.
12 She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
13 She looks for wool and flax
And works with her [h]hands [i]in delight.
14 She is like merchant ships;
She brings her food from afar.
15 She rises also while it is still night
And gives food to her household
And [j]portions to her maidens.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
From [k]her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She girds [l]herself with strength
And makes her arms strong.
18 She senses that her gain is good;
Her lamp does not go out at night.
19 She stretches out her hands to the distaff,
And her [m]hands grasp the spindle.
20 She [n]extends her hand to the poor,
And she stretches out her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household,
For all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for herself;
Her clothing is fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates,
When he sits among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
And [o]supplies belts to the [p]tradesmen.
25 Strength and dignity are her clothing,
And she smiles at the [q]future.
26 She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the [r]teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household,
And does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying:
29 “Many daughters have done nobly,
But you excel them all.”
30 Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who [s]fears the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her the [t]product of her hands,
And let her works praise her in the gates.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Pray-Writing
So, yeah, writing emails to God is pretty much amazing. And I'm planning to write here more, too, if I can. I have to let go of chronic hurt and rejection and allow myself to be disposable. Because you know what, trees dispose of their seeds all the time. And then somebody picks up that seed, carries it around for a while, and tosses it. Then a cat walks by and the seed clings to its fur until it scratches too hard and there goes that seed again. Over and over that little seed is picked up, held, carried around and discarded.
Sometimes it thinks it lands in a safe place, and often it is wrong. If a seed stays in an unsafe place too long, it starts to die. Sometimes a seed lands in safe soil, in a place where there is the right blend of light and shade, and where it's not under the drip line of other trees. And then that seed can grow.
It sends down roots that stretch toward the heart of the earth and the very center of all Being. It sends up shoots that reach toward God and heart-truth and life. When the roots take hold and seed is in the right place, it will grow as the seasons see fit. It grows in times of growth, sheds dead leaves and branches when they are dead, and is dormant in times of cold, but the seed itself is always alive. Before long, there is a sapling trying its hands at new leaves and fresh growth.
Our seed that is discarded never knows if it's landed in its place where it will send down those roots until the roots are down and growing. And once the tree is big enough, it's impossible to uproot completely. Not even a tornado can tear it out entirely; not even a conflagration can stop it from regrowing. Not when that discarded seed lands in the right place.
Sometimes it thinks it lands in a safe place, and often it is wrong. If a seed stays in an unsafe place too long, it starts to die. Sometimes a seed lands in safe soil, in a place where there is the right blend of light and shade, and where it's not under the drip line of other trees. And then that seed can grow.
It sends down roots that stretch toward the heart of the earth and the very center of all Being. It sends up shoots that reach toward God and heart-truth and life. When the roots take hold and seed is in the right place, it will grow as the seasons see fit. It grows in times of growth, sheds dead leaves and branches when they are dead, and is dormant in times of cold, but the seed itself is always alive. Before long, there is a sapling trying its hands at new leaves and fresh growth.
Our seed that is discarded never knows if it's landed in its place where it will send down those roots until the roots are down and growing. And once the tree is big enough, it's impossible to uproot completely. Not even a tornado can tear it out entirely; not even a conflagration can stop it from regrowing. Not when that discarded seed lands in the right place.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Yeah
Got 'em right before the storm hit!
This is the season for blossoms!
I never was big about getting bouquets but boy do I like flowers from the yard!
Sunday, May 3, 2015
First Baseball Game
Nori's first Indians' Game!
She loved every second, from dancing to yelling, to holding on to her ticket almost the entire time.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Perfect blend
This is my morning since the kids are playing so nicely and independently! Sieze the moment! And I found some gloves I bought cheap at the end of last season! Don't normally wear gloves but my hands are already pretty bad from yesterday.
Look at all those seeds!
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