Mind Blown

I'm constantly amazed at how bad my family is at showing empathy and concern.  Apathy, blame, or judgment, however...  Sheesh.  I'm amazed I'm not more of a psychological mess.

Long time

I started another blog but didn't go live with it. 

Tomorrow I should find out the results of a blood test that will be the first, least invasive test to see whether there's cancer or some pre-cancer malignancy living in me.  There's something solid and uncomfortable, that's for sure.  It looked rough on the monitors, like some angry ball of might-be-trying-to-kill-me.  I haven't told many people.  I haven't said much at all about how worried I am or about how much I'm not looking forward to surgery - which is going to happen either way.  One fewer organ.  I'll say it here in this cobweb space of mine. 

I just wish I'd share this news with someone and they'd wrap their arms around me.  But mom, no.  Baby daddy, no. Friends, well, they found out over the phone so it's different.

But really.  I just want to be somewhere safe and warm in someone's arms.  So, like any single mom whose kids are at their dad's tonight, I took a bath.  Which, while unsympathetic, was at least warm.

The possibility of cancer though.  Man.  And what, this has been my life?  Hell. No.  I'm ready for real love and for sharing real joy.  Bring it the heck on.  I can't keep waiting.

Because I can't wait. 

Love

That moment when. You're been cryibg in bed for the last two hours and your sleeping babe reaches over and holds your hand in her sleep.

That moment when your students respond to a class bulletin about
your injury more lovingly and with more compassion than your spouse does.

Fair is foul and foul is fair.

I miss writing.

Glorybox

Sick, cystic, menstruating, and sunburnt.

I enjoy being a girl.

Emotions this day

Joy and loved and supported and understood and frustrated and peaceful and grateful and glad.  And overwhelmed but calm about it and engaged and proud and in between it all very tired.  And sometimes irritated by the noise and also love and loved and grateful again and still and always.

New

I'm back. And I plan to remain back.